Come on Greeny “Drop the Gloves”

NHL Rule 46 - Fighting:

46.1 Fighting – A fight shall be deemed to have occurred when at least one player (or goalkeeper) punches or attempts to punch an opponent repeatedly or when two players wrestle in such a manner as to make it difficult for the Linesman to intervene and separate the combatants.

In hockey (particularly the North American brand), when things ain’t going well, the team is under the cosh, losing the physical battles or perhaps just needs a boost in their spirits, there are certain players who will call out a player of similar reputation, off come the gloves and away they go.

On other occasions it may fall to someone who isn’t naturally a fighter.

Well, our spirits are low, we need a boost, I haven’t had a fight since I was nine (that’s 40 odd years ago dear reader), when my opponent ducked the haymaker I was throwing and I left half my knuckles on the Church wall in front of which he was standing.

(It’s the wall down the right hand side of the building, which adjoined the school playground – the skin is still there and worshipped on an annual basis as a holy relic by devout locals – by the way Alfred Hitchcock’s old school is on the left hand side of the Church.)

My hour has arrived. So come on Green, let’s sort this out now!

You just do my head in with the endlessly carping negativity.

I attempted to listen to the commentary on the Spurs game on Sunday to try and crowd out all the anguish of the Newky result and you just started in straight away about players wearing gloves. Couldn’t understand why they do it, what it’s for? “Just a joke” or some such other of your lame phrases. You were even more exercised by the wearing of the “short sleeves and gloves combo”. Went on about it for ages. Why? Sniggering insinuation that it was only soft foreigners, followed by vague suggestions that hard men don’t wear gloves.

I had to switch the bastard thing off.

And then another time you’ll spend the whole evening whining about it being cold up on a gantry and convince us you’re in some god forsaken hole where the football on offer just doesn’t measure up to your unfathomable standards, forgetting all the while you’re also part of the circus that’s being paid to “inform and entertain”.

The only activity that comes close to yielding as little useful information, while being that far from entertaining is waterboarding.

Have you watched a marathon Alan? They go out on a lovely spring day in next to cock all but with gloves on. Wondered why Alan? Have you sniggered at our Paula as she floats along, pony-tail bobbing in that jaunty way with those teeny tiny little gloves?

It’s all about heat loss. Just as diet, training and all other manner of other jiggery-pokery has moved on since the 16th century, so has sports clothing. They’ve discovered that after the head, the hands are one of those areas through which you lose most heat. Even during rigorous physical exercise it is wise to maintain a reasonably consistent level of circulation and body temperature, thus minimising extraneous energy loss and the consequent fall off in performance and perhaps increase in risk of injury (or some such sciency-physiology-medico type explanation).

No doubt some players would wear hats if they were allowed, it’s just that they don’t fancy letting Stephen Hunt drop the knee on them so they can get the dispensation to do so.

Do you see it now son?

And anyway even if my pseudo scientific explanation is cobblers, why shouldn’t they wear gloves if they want to? And pink boots and lacy G strings and a furry bloody willy warmer if it takes their fancy. Provided it is within the rules and Nike want to fork out a fortune for them to wear it, why in the name of the very beardy Jesus wouldn’t they?

You see Al, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean they are all ponces. No-one has produced a scintilla of evidence that wearing gloves means you’re not up for a scrap, or more importantly are not going to play well. It’s all part of your deeply conservative, small minded, purblind view of what constitutes the acceptable world.

All classes of men now have a wash more than once a week. We don’t wear the same woolly long johns all winter to only get cut out of them in the spring. We even use soap. We wear clothing in a wide variety of colours. Personal grooming products for men, Greeny. It’s a big market. A market that encompasses the weak, the strong, the hetro, metro, homo and any other sexual you can think of.

It’s no good laughing at noncy foreigners, ‘cause we’re all dandies now.

The future of football depends on attracting youngsters to the game. They’ve grown up with the concept of man as a vehicle for fashion. Listening to you will make them think the game is peopled by backwoodsmen from the fifities.

In philosophical and hair management terms, what is the difference between an alice band and layers of brylcream and pomade? Only girls wear alice bands? Yeah and only ballet dancers wear tights? Is that it mate? The world has moved on from the narrow definition of what constitutes maleness in the backwaters of your mind.

And don’t start on about the neck warmer! What do you think Trevor Hockey was doing with this beard? Is that not an attempt to grow enough fur to keep his neck warm? I know what I’d prefer.

If a football player wants to cut a dash, display appalling personal taste or look like a twat, do we care so much any more? They don’t have to wear black. They are not undertakers. So they wear red boots? At least they don’t have perms and mullets and wear shorts 90% of which are wrapped around their ball bag or up the crack of their arse circa 1980.

And if they wear gloves at least they are honest. What was so manly about all those players in the 70s shivering, their shoulders hunched up and their sleeves pulled down over their hands? Did they look hard? Did they look up for it?

I’m sick of the cheap shots, the bar room bore who thinks he’s the world’s greatest comedian. You’re not funny. You’re not even vaguely amusing. In the name of the God who makes the best biscuits, it’s a relief to listen to Sad Stanley and his mates on TalkSport sometimes, just for a change.

That I can even say that, me, who doesn’t have any interest in the latest large capacity van, am incapable of doing my own tiling, does not believe that all wisdom resides with the London Cabby, who will probably never do enough serious man-work to make it worth paying the extra for DeWalt quality over the cheapo crap that’s piled up just inside the door of your favourite DIY store, just shows you how bad it has got.

Greeny, it has to stop! Now! And now it’s pointless trying to discuss anything on your enervating, mind numbing 606 phone–in where you just talk over or cut off anyone who marshals a few salient facts or looks like they might win an argument.

So drop your gloves.

The Tale of the Tape:

Blue Bayou:

Age: 50; Height: 5’ 11; Weight: 175 lbs give or take 10, well mainly give; Reach: Far enough to pick up my drink.

Alan Green:

Age: 58; Height: Dunno he’s always sitting down; Weight: Probably more than me; Reach: Right into my guts where he twists them up.

NHL Rule 46.11 - Instigator:

46.11 Instigator - An instigator of an altercation shall be a player who by his actions or demeanor demonstrates any/some of the following criteria...

Distance travelled - I’m prepared to get on a bus to get this done.

Gloves off first – Oh they’re off all right (be careful with them they’re cashmere).

First punch thrown - Take that! You annoying numpty.

Menacing attitude or posture – Grrr (but this might be easier on something less slippery dontcha think?).

Verbal instigation or threats - Come on I’m going to lamp you!

Conduct in retaliation to a prior game (or season) incident - There’s just too many to count – but have that on the hooter anyway!

Obvious retribution for a previous incident in the game or season - You’ve just ruined listening to football on the radio so have that in the bracket!

Sorted. I feel better now. Hopefully you do to. So let’s man up and show a bit of spirit on here ahead of Saturday.

46.11 Instigator - A player who is deemed to be the instigator of an altercation shall be assessed an instigating minor penalty, a major penalty for fighting and a ten-minute misconduct.

I’m off to the box for my five minutes, or is it two minutes or ten minutes?

I’ll be gone a while anyway.